I've seen people getting into arranged marriages & living happily ever after, & I've seen too many not feeling alive ever after....
As you can understand, I'm quite undecided on which bench I should sit.. but there is one positive thing about arranged marriages that I may have discovered. & it reflects not just the marriage & social customs, but also the general state of mind of individuals in the society. The first group wants freedom & chooses their own, the second gives that to their families to choose. Now the arranged marriage system is a good web of checks & balances, not withstanding the fact that I have seen it fail more times, but then success stories are too common & hence are never mouthed.. every successful arranged marriage is yet another good marriage, but a disastrous one is an agenda for the freedom of choice group.
Anyways, the discussion being about checks & balances - the family keeps the web tightly knit, with frequent gatherings & festivals allowing the couple to feel needed everywhere & keep close to each other in the first year. Then onwards, each family takes care of the newlyweds, with economic & social extensions of their own family, thus tightening the web. In the end, we have about 3 loosely nuclear families moving together. If any one of the newlyweds wavers, the bonds around are a moral deterrent, as well as physical when needed.
Now, I have always kept wondering why is this needed? Which brings us to the state of mind question. While most of us want freedom of choice, is every individual in the society qualified enough to make his or her decisions? I do believe in freedom for every individual as the cornerstone for liberty, but most examples in society are that of irresponsible use of the freedom... How do we bring about a balance. I would like to believe that such informal checks & balances systems are helpful. The state can only make blanket laws for everyone, since we have not been able to achieve a personalized democracy - different for every individual according to need. Blanket laws are necessary for some but oppressive for most, or helpful to most but deterring for some. There is no single right way in a country of a billion plus people. Hence, it is necessary to understand the concept of formal v/s informal, legal v/s social laws / customs. Somewhere, this leads me (for now, & to be honest - quite grudgingly) to believe that our system of personal laws (separate for each community - rephrased culture) is better than having a single national law. It may unite us, but narrow our freedoms & tear apart our social fabric.
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2 comments:
On behalf of Auntyji - Ms Kalpana Pareek:
Hi Sandy!
It is early in the day at work but I am tempted to take a quick personal break to respond to the topic. I would enjoy a full fledged discussion on it but shall restrict for now, to only a few pertinent points; due to paucity of time.
1. Marriage (or any other close relationship) is dynamic; meaning thereby that it is not static. It may , at some point of time, acheive a "perfect" state but will not remain thus if you stop working at it. It is constant effort that keeps it going...happily.
2. Equality, mutual respect & trust and love & care extending beyond the partner to his/her family, are basic, necessary ingredients. It has to be a healthy, equal give and take.
3. Each partner must want to give more than what he/she expects if the aim is to have a rock solid loooong lasting and HAPPY marriage. Obviously the results are best if both start with this approach.
4. I used the word approach, perhaps making you feel as though it is some strategy. I don't mind if you call it that. If you take your marriage as a project you enjoy working hard at, then this "approach" becomes a habit gradually. You become what you first practice consciously and later unknowingly. It is a skill you acquire-- if you allow yourself to.
5. If you prime yourself to a positive attitude towards this institution and communicate freely with your partner, sharing your views, apprehensions, joys, stands etc. chances are you will grow together and not apart. As they say, "hope for the best but be prepared for the worst".
6. If it is a partner of one's own choice or selected/suggested by significant others in one's life, the process remains the same.
HAPPY BRIDE HUNTING!!!!!!
Thanks a lot for a quick response!!! i should say I was expecting quite a few... :)
I would love to have a good discussion / debate on the topic. however, I would like to clarify the stand of my post. i am not so much reflecting on the institution of marriage or how it happens, than about how it is supported in our society & as a result how our society perceives an individual. Continuing with the theme, then, are personal laws more relevant to our context than a blanket secular law....
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